9 潔西大小事

can’t decide if i should start my medication

struggling if i should start my medication

for the past few months it’s like ok, bad, terrible, not too bad, good, great, awful, better….

taking a roller coaster ride is actually a perfect way to describe it

i look fine, but i’m not. i can barely function, i can’t think well, i can’t do things well, i can’t even remember when was the last time i was happy with the things i did.

I read books, lot of long long novels, so I didn’t have time to think. I translated a lot of songs, so I didn’t have time to think. i cooked, baked to clear my head, but after that, I still can’t think, and I gained a lot of weight, sigh.

i thought i would be just fine cause i kept telling myself “you’re fine.” “you’ll be alright.” “ everything is going to be fine.” and it’s been months. nothing has changed and it seems like it’s getting worse.

i got angry so easily. i lost my temper over small things, fussy, i guess this is the word. i had been playing hide and seek with myself before i went to the doctor. I didn’t want to know me, I didn’t want to feel me, I didn’t want to face myself because I was worried that if I couldn’t accept myself as a loser, a useless person. i knew it was not true, i knew i wasn’t a loser, but i can’t convince myself i wasn’t. it felt so true even though deep down you knew it might not be true.

i put on weight, a lot, a lot, cause it’s an easy way to escape from the reality and to satisfy some of your sensation while the other can’t get enough. i bet doctors will agree with me.

i cry, on and off, too much too often. i don’t really like this cause my eyes are sore and ache after that.actually sometimes you feel better after crying, especially if you can cry out now, to let go those negative feelings, those agonies.

time for bed. i took a sleeping pill otherwise i would be still awake crying for stupid things I don’t even know why.

there are a few signs i noticed over the pass few year that i know i was having another relapse, another episode, or my situation is getting worse.

not wanting to go to work is a big one. i love most of my students, and i say this from the bottom of my heart. on a normal day, i would be very happy that i’m going to see my lovely students and hopefully teach them something. and in class, we do some fun activities, and chat, and time just flies, then we realized it’s time to go home. teaching makes me happy.

so when this happen today, it shocks me. thinking about quitting my job? i must be crazy. it’s really a serious sign that makes me think. I have to use my broken my to think. why do i think that? it’s that because I don’t have what it takes to teach my students anymore? they don’t have any interests and they are forced to be in this class and it seems to me it doesn’t matter how hard i try, they still don’t like it. or maybe they just don’t like me. my tears just won’t stop…

snd it’s not just one class, many classes are like that. somehow i wonder if i lost my passion, my patience, my enthusiasm, my love for teaching, or for everything.

i started to have that empty feeling again, like nothing in the world matters. i know i won’t do any silly things like hurting myself and it’s because i don’t want people i love get hurt.

i hate this. I know this feeling is not true, but it feels so real. I know my feelings can fool me, but i’m still fooled.

empty, nothing inside, and that’s nothing i can give, very very sad. i hate crying this much but i can’t stop.

should i start the medication? i know i will suffer the side effects, but will it make me better and get along with myself better? I don’t know. feel like dying, feel like it’s the end of the world. unfortunately, it’s not. tomorrow, I still have to get up get dressed and go to work.

i don’t believe i am thinking about giving up all my classes and all my lovely student. There must be something wrong with me. I need help!



8 replies »

  1. 教學打擊妳很深? 還是學生打擊妳很深?
    (是否就醫,服藥? 我無法給妳建議)

    • try to contact ppl….its good for you, ,,dont just always stick with someone. …thats not work, ,,,,,ppl can bring different thought for you, ,,,,,give you different feeling, ,,,,,,,in other side, ,,if you can’t sleep, ,,medicine can help, ,,but. ..don’t addicted it, ,,,

      • thanks a lot. it’s really nice to get some feedback. a lot of things are really difficult to explain but i’ll try to speak out my feelings and hope it will help. it’s very nice of you 🙂

    • 謝謝你的鼓勵,已感動。

  2. 潔西老師加油 ^^ 同上面真真所說的 有些學生跟自己就是頻率不合阿
    潔西老師真的好棒 我好喜歡妳的網站
    喜歡妳的教學內容 喜歡妳分享的大小事

    人生中總有不開心.不如意的事 莫忘初衷 聆聽自己 做對自己好的事 ^_^ 我們一起加油吧!

    • 謝謝你:)


  3. I can see you are passionate about what you do, teaching, writing… And I can’t tell what sort of medication or even illness you are suffering, but talk about to someone, let it out, change life routine a bit. Don’t go to school for a week. It might help.

    Take care.

    Sent from my iPad

    • Thanks a lot. It’s depression. I can’t decide if i should take antidepressants. It might help a bit. I had a lot of episodes before and i know i might helps but… anyway, it’s a long story. I think i’ll probably start to talk about it more in my blog since it’s always nice to let my feelings out. Thanks a lot for your suggestion. I’ll think about it. I’m going to see the psychiatrist I have been seeing for near ten years and i’ll see what her advice is. it’s been cold lately. take good care:)



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