struggling if i should start my medication
for the past few months it’s like ok, bad, terrible, not too bad, good, great, awful, better….
taking a roller coaster ride is actually a perfect way to describe it
i look fine, but i’m not. i can barely function, i can’t think well, i can’t do things well, i can’t even remember when was the last time i was happy with the things i did.
I read books, lot of long long novels, so I didn’t have time to think. I translated a lot of songs, so I didn’t have time to think. i cooked, baked to clear my head, but after that, I still can’t think, and I gained a lot of weight, sigh.
i thought i would be just fine cause i kept telling myself “you’re fine.” “you’ll be alright.” “ everything is going to be fine.” and it’s been months. nothing has changed and it seems like it’s getting worse.
i got angry so easily. i lost my temper over small things, fussy, i guess this is the word. i had been playing hide and seek with myself before i went to the doctor. I didn’t want to know me, I didn’t want to feel me, I didn’t want to face myself because I was worried that if I couldn’t accept myself as a loser, a useless person. i knew it was not true, i knew i wasn’t a loser, but i can’t convince myself i wasn’t. it felt so true even though deep down you knew it might not be true.
i put on weight, a lot, a lot, cause it’s an easy way to escape from the reality and to satisfy some of your sensation while the other can’t get enough. i bet doctors will agree with me.
i cry, on and off, too much too often. i don’t really like this cause my eyes are sore and ache after that.actually sometimes you feel better after crying, especially if you can cry out now, to let go those negative feelings, those agonies.
time for bed. i took a sleeping pill otherwise i would be still awake crying for stupid things I don’t even know why.
there are a few signs i noticed over the pass few year that i know i was having another relapse, another episode, or my situation is getting worse.
not wanting to go to work is a big one. i love most of my students, and i say this from the bottom of my heart. on a normal day, i would be very happy that i’m going to see my lovely students and hopefully teach them something. and in class, we do some fun activities, and chat, and time just flies, then we realized it’s time to go home. teaching makes me happy.
so when this happen today, it shocks me. thinking about quitting my job? i must be crazy. it’s really a serious sign that makes me think. I have to use my broken my to think. why do i think that? it’s that because I don’t have what it takes to teach my students anymore? they don’t have any interests and they are forced to be in this class and it seems to me it doesn’t matter how hard i try, they still don’t like it. or maybe they just don’t like me. my tears just won’t stop…
snd it’s not just one class, many classes are like that. somehow i wonder if i lost my passion, my patience, my enthusiasm, my love for teaching, or for everything.
i started to have that empty feeling again, like nothing in the world matters. i know i won’t do any silly things like hurting myself and it’s because i don’t want people i love get hurt.
i hate this. I know this feeling is not true, but it feels so real. I know my feelings can fool me, but i’m still fooled.
empty, nothing inside, and that’s nothing i can give, very very sad. i hate crying this much but i can’t stop.
should i start the medication? i know i will suffer the side effects, but will it make me better and get along with myself better? I don’t know. feel like dying, feel like it’s the end of the world. unfortunately, it’s not. tomorrow, I still have to get up get dressed and go to work.
i don’t believe i am thinking about giving up all my classes and all my lovely student. There must be something wrong with me. I need help!